Empathy

To be empathic is to identify with the feelings of another almost as though they are our own. If a parent can empathize with a child who is angry or misbehaving, this is an important step toward understanding and the beginning of a positive interaction. Conversely, if a parent is unable to identify with their child's emotional state, it may be very difficult to move away from the state of becoming angry, themselves, in return.

Empathy is a skill that must be practiced, as putting oneself "in another's shoes," so to speak, and is not always our first impulse. Recognizing that the feelings of another person are guiding their behavior and that understanding their behavior may require empathy is not always easy, particularly in emotionally-charged situations. In addition, it is easy to make the mistake of assuming that we know what our children are thinking or feeling, based on our own thoughts and feelings. For example, when our child is crying, we may assume that the child is feeling alone, when in fact the child is confused and fearful. This may come about because we cried when we felt alone as children. Another problem is that sometimes parents are conditioned as children to feel ashamed or guilty when experiencing certain feelings - such as fear. This conditioning can block the parent from empathizing with the child when the child is experiencing a feeling that the parent has been taught is unacceptable. Becoming aware of our own conditioning and inhibitions is critical to being able to empathize with and accept our children's emotional life.

Being a self-aware parent requires us not only to practice an empathetic approach, but to identify with the feelings of our children as they experience them, not as we do. Empathizing with our misbehaving children challenges us as parents to behave with understanding and acceptance, even in the face of misbehavior and fear.

We will talk about the fourth essential parenting tool, Patience, next time.

Have a blessed day.