Your Eye Contact and Tone of Voice

Ask yourself this question - how can my family learn to communicate in a more effective way?

Communication is more than simply an exchange of information. It is a way to express feelings, to prompt behavior, to clarify expectations, to praise, to reinforce appropriate behavior, and to share understanding. By using communication to make clear to a child what is expected and to praise him for responding to or exceeding those expectations, the parent is preventing the need for discipline. Effective communication creates prevention. However, there are times when discipline is necessary, and communication is as essential to meaningful and appropriate discipline as it is to prevention.

Effective communication has several components. Two of the most important are eye contact and tone of voice. Many times, we may speak to our children while simultaneously doing two or three other things. We make so little eye contact that they may not even realize that we are speaking to them.

If we do not make eye contact with our children, we cannot expect them to reciprocate. There are times that your child may not be able to make eye contact with you because of the overwhelming sensory and emotional stimulation it generates. This can best be illustrated in the behavior of the very young children who are playing, "Peek-A-Boo." The child will look at an adult for a few seconds, making full eye contact, and then will look away. If the child returns her gaze to the face of the adult and the adult is hiding (his eyes are not visible), the child will continue to look until the adult returns the eye contact, accompanied by the happy tone of voice "Peek-A-Boo!". The child will probably smile in return, but will quickly look away again. The looking away behavior is an attempt by the child to self-regulate the physiological upswing of arousal that accompanies eye contact. This method of self-regulation can persist into adulthood. The point is to be mindful that when your child does not make eye contact; rather then being disrespectful or not attending to you, he may be stressed or even scared.

Children must learn how to communicate effectively. The parent must take responsibility for teaching them. A parent who yells to their child from the other room, or who talks absent-mindedly in a rambling manner while not making eye contact, is not modeling appropriate communication, and it should be no surprise when children do not respond. Instead, crossing the room (or going from one room to another) to touch a child on the shoulder and make full eye contact while using a tone of voice that lets the child know you are talking to them will go a long way toward facilitating exchange of information and an emotional connection between parent and child.

Tomorrow, we will talk about "tuning in" and preventing communication interference.

Have a blessed day.