Evaluative Behavior

Communicating your own value system to your child is a part of good parenting. Pointing out good and bad behavior creates within your child a sense of right and wrong, or what I think of as the Internal Morality Measuring Stick. Teaching children what is good and bad, right and wrong, gives rise to their own ability to evaluate their behavior, and ability that otherwise may develop poorly, if at all. The Internal Morality Measuring Stick is a determinant of how our children will behave not only as children, but as adults. It is vital that parents understand that their actions will determine the way their children act toward their future children.

Evaluating behavior begins at birth and remains an ongoing process in parenting. Parents must evaluate their behavior and the behavior of others for them because they are otherwise unable to develop their own Morality Stick. For example, when watching a television show with a child, it is important to point out behavior that is "bad" or "mean" or "wrong." For this reason, parents should always watch television with their children because otherwise children have no way to evaluate what they are seeing. (Choosing the content to which their children will be exposed is equally important; select educational programming rather than violent "action heroes.") In the same way, parents should evaluate the music their children are listening to, the sites they are going to on the Internet, and the games they are playing, and should do so in a manner that makes clear to the child whether these things are "bad" or "good," and why. Children will process what they have been told and then will begin to apply it to other things and people in their lives.

So, to recap this series - communication takes a conscious and committed effort by parents, but is worth every moment.

As I discuss in For All Things A Season, "Your children need you to communicate to them about who they are, how they are doing, and what you think and feel they need to be doing. They need you to make eye contact with them because they really do care what you have to say. As the parent, you need to feel that what you have to say is important, and then your children will feel it too. Evaluate their world for them. They will feel safer with you looking out for them."

Click here for a PDF version of this series.

If you have enjoyed this series and would like to receive more information on Positive Parenting, please consider joining our Post Institute Network. You can sign up today using the form in the sidebar. You'll receive a confirmation email requesting your approval for your membership in our network and will then begin receiving our Free Newsletter, Articles, and Network Discount Offers to guide your daily parenting and relating with your child and family.

Have a blessed day.

Communicating Your Love to Your Child

This should come as no surprise that taking the time to tell your child how much you love him is one of the most meaningful things you can do. Stopping at the beginning or in the middle of a busy day and simply speaking the words, "I love you," can fill his day with warmth and fullfillment, provide a deep feeling of security, and lift his spirits and self-worth, which is necessary in order for your child to develop a healthy self-image.

Equally important in the expression of affection is the powerful medium of touch. Non-verbal communication - taking a child into your arms, giving an unexpected hug to your teenager, reaching out to touch your child on the arm or shoulder as she passes you in the kitchen - all of these re-establish a deep and meaningful level of communication between parent and child that is too easily lost in the hustle and bustle of our busy days.

Parents must make a thoughtful, conscious committment to demonstrate to their children, both verbally and nonverbally, that they are loved and cherished on each and every day. Reminding your child how important he is, how special to you, how much happiness he brings to you, will make him feel valued and wanted. Giving him lots of hugs, eye contact, back rubs, and kisses are healthy demonstrations of affection that are very important to raising a self-secure, strong and responsible child.

The last component of better parenting and communication is learning how to best express your own value system to your child, and I will explore this next time.


Have a blessed day.

Expressing Needs and Feelings

Once you begin communicating to your childen what you need - eye contact, listening to you, picking up their room, etc., they will soon be able to express their needs to you. It is important that we hear our children when they express their needs, and acknowledge them. Children who become mistrustful that their needs will be heard or met become less and less likely to expres them.

Like other aspects of communication, expressing needs requires time, work, and conscious effort. For example, when working to express needs or feelings, sometimes it is important to use phrases such as "I need" or "I feel." When you express a need to your child, do not let him ignore you or the need; instead, ask him whether he has heard you and understands what you have said - in other words, make it clear that you expect him to acknowledge your need or feeling and that he understands it. In return, when your child expresses to you that she is very mad, do not respond defensively; rather, restate the sentence - "You are really mad; please tell me about it." This validates how the child feels and allows you to tune into her anger and find out why she is angry."

Next posting, we'll talk about how to better communicate affection to your child.

Have a blessed day.

The Importance of Sharing Your Feelings

So Monday has come around again. I hope that you all found the weekend to be enjoyable and were able to set aside some restful time to carry you through the week. In continuing with my series on Parenting and Communication, I have some ideas to discuss regarding how to better share your feelings with your child and improve your child's communication with you.

If a child does not know how you are feeling, then he cannot reciprocate to create a positive mutual exchange. This type of exchange is necessary to create a deeper understanding between parent and child that enables you to acknowledge and support each other's feelings. The absence of reciprocity can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and a reluctance to live in touch with emotions.

Communicating feelings effectively means sharing feelings that are both positive and negative. If a parent only communicates positive feelings to a child, then the child will not be able to develop a sensitivity to negative emotions. Conversely, if a parent only speaks about their emotions when they are angry, fearful, or frustrated, the child will not learn how to experience or express their own positive feelings.

Once again, it is the parent who is responsible. Parents who are aware of their feelings and are comfortable with expressing them will open the door to communicating with their children about the emotional state of the child. As the child sees the emotional state of the parent, he will learn that there is nothing to fear in emotions, and that they are a natural part of human relationships. Parents who choke off their own feelings are likely to encourage their children to do the same. Children who respond by not expressing their own emotions lose the opportunity for emotional reciprocity - that is, they lose the opportunity to learn that others care for them and understand their feelings. The sharing of our emotional lives in a manner that is appropriate and balanced and encourages emotional expression and understanding in the family is one of the best things a parent can do for a child.

Next discussion - expressing your needs and teaching your child how to express his.

Have a blessed day.

Tuning in for better communication

Just like radio, there are several factors that may contribute to interference in communication. In my book, For All Things a Season," I talk about how we must take the time and make the effort to tune into our children. For example, what is the parent's emotional state? Is he or she angry and frustrated? Sad? Depressed? Firstly, the way that parents feel communicates directly to their children. Further, emotions can drive the communication style of the parent; he or she may be sharp and curt if angry, or quiet and using a tone of voice that does not get the child's attention. Parents must be aware of their own feelings and make certain that they are not interfering with communication.

Secondly, what is the physical proximity between you and your child? Are you in the same room? Are you making eye contact? Can your child hear you, or is there music or television in the room?

Thirdly is the tone of voice. If you are speaking in a soft tone of voice, the child may not hear or may not understand that you are talking to him. If you are using a loud tone of voice, the child may respond only to the tone and become fearful and anxious, both of which make it difficult to communicate meaning and information in an effective and appropriate manner.

Next topic for better communication - sharing your feelings.

Have a blessed day.


Click here for a Free E-Book Copy of "For All Things A Season."

To purchase "For All Things A Season" in paperback, click here.

Your Eye Contact and Tone of Voice

Ask yourself this question - how can my family learn to communicate in a more effective way?

Communication is more than simply an exchange of information. It is a way to express feelings, to prompt behavior, to clarify expectations, to praise, to reinforce appropriate behavior, and to share understanding. By using communication to make clear to a child what is expected and to praise him for responding to or exceeding those expectations, the parent is preventing the need for discipline. Effective communication creates prevention. However, there are times when discipline is necessary, and communication is as essential to meaningful and appropriate discipline as it is to prevention.

Effective communication has several components. Two of the most important are eye contact and tone of voice. Many times, we may speak to our children while simultaneously doing two or three other things. We make so little eye contact that they may not even realize that we are speaking to them.

If we do not make eye contact with our children, we cannot expect them to reciprocate. There are times that your child may not be able to make eye contact with you because of the overwhelming sensory and emotional stimulation it generates. This can best be illustrated in the behavior of the very young children who are playing, "Peek-A-Boo." The child will look at an adult for a few seconds, making full eye contact, and then will look away. If the child returns her gaze to the face of the adult and the adult is hiding (his eyes are not visible), the child will continue to look until the adult returns the eye contact, accompanied by the happy tone of voice "Peek-A-Boo!". The child will probably smile in return, but will quickly look away again. The looking away behavior is an attempt by the child to self-regulate the physiological upswing of arousal that accompanies eye contact. This method of self-regulation can persist into adulthood. The point is to be mindful that when your child does not make eye contact; rather then being disrespectful or not attending to you, he may be stressed or even scared.

Children must learn how to communicate effectively. The parent must take responsibility for teaching them. A parent who yells to their child from the other room, or who talks absent-mindedly in a rambling manner while not making eye contact, is not modeling appropriate communication, and it should be no surprise when children do not respond. Instead, crossing the room (or going from one room to another) to touch a child on the shoulder and make full eye contact while using a tone of voice that lets the child know you are talking to them will go a long way toward facilitating exchange of information and an emotional connection between parent and child.

Tomorrow, we will talk about "tuning in" and preventing communication interference.

Have a blessed day.