Parenting and Communication

Good Friday. I hope that you are all starting off the weekend well. Some thoughts on parenting and communication for you and your family as you go into the weekend.

Like a farmer who nurtures his field with good soil, water, and fertilizer, there are things that we can provide for our children that act as strong "nutrients" for healthy family relationships and the growth of healthy children. The interactions within a family, however, are only as effective as the means by which they are exchanged -- in other words, they rest upon a foundation of good communication.

Communication

Ask yourself, "How many times a day do I communicate with someone?" and then, "What method(s) do I use most often to communicate?" You may be surprised at the answers. In these days of computers and the Internet, many people initiate communication through electronic means -- email, chief among them - requiring no face-to-face human interaction. Cell phones and pagers make it easier for us to be "in touch" with each other, but are they really helping us to communicate? A common joke around many modern workplaces is that when the computer system goes down, the noise level goes up, because people actually take the time to go see each other and talk. How true is this of your own household?

Communication between parents and children is a commonly neglected area of family life. Communication that may have been established when children were young becomes more infrequent - and less meaningful - as children grow older. There are many reasons for this, but one of the most common is the absence of "family time." Up until the past several years, it was common for entire families to sit down together at dinner and to "share their day." This culturally-based custom served many purposes; it engaged the family in a common activity, it promoted sharing of events of the day, it offered a time to discuss needs or tell a funny story, and it also contributed to more physical needs by providing a regular and relaxed venue for eating a relatively balanced meal.

Today, things have changed. The majority of American families share few meals together. Fast-food and instant meals have edged out nutrition. Most importantly, the absence of "family time" around the dinner table has eliminated one of the most productive opportunities for communication within a family.

More on better family communication next time, including specific ways to communicate.

Have a blessed day and weekend.

Patience

Good Monday to all. I suppose that it is appropriate that today's posting is about Patience. I'm sorry for the delay in this posting, but Blogger seemed to be having issues preventing me from posting any earlier.

So, on to Patience....

Being patient is a process that arises from a sense of calm and well-being. When stressed, it is easy for a parent to fall into a dysregulated state, wherein emotional responses are often sharp-edged. Such a state makes the practice of patience much more difficult then when we are regulated in our emotional state and in the flow of our interactions with others. Again, self-awareness is the key, as it is important for parents to be aware of their own emotional state and to be sensitized to the times during which stress may be driving the nature of their interactions. Secondly, we must continually strive to be aware not only of our own emotional state but the state of our children. The practice of empathy, understanding and acceptance together can provide a basis for patience.

Because of the delay in posting, I would like to move on to the last of my Five Essential Tools for Parenting - LOVE.

Love combines empathy, understanding, acceptance and patience together to bring about a fulfilled and fulfilling presence. However, simply saying, "I love you" to a child is not enough. Love is not merely an emotion, but a long chain of behaviors and actions that, taken together, represent devotion to another. As such, love takes effort and a degree of honesty with ourselves and with others that brooks no diversion or deception.

Above all things, a child must feel loved. Becoming a parent in order to have someone to love or in an attempt to guarantee that we will have someone who loves us is the wrong reason to have or raise a child. An honest, open, empathic, accepting parent who is self-aware is one who is conscious of the issues in their own lives and who can set them aside (or work through them) so as to leave the path open between them and their children.

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8

Click here for a PDF version of this series.

Have a blessed day.

Empathy

To be empathic is to identify with the feelings of another almost as though they are our own. If a parent can empathize with a child who is angry or misbehaving, this is an important step toward understanding and the beginning of a positive interaction. Conversely, if a parent is unable to identify with their child's emotional state, it may be very difficult to move away from the state of becoming angry, themselves, in return.

Empathy is a skill that must be practiced, as putting oneself "in another's shoes," so to speak, and is not always our first impulse. Recognizing that the feelings of another person are guiding their behavior and that understanding their behavior may require empathy is not always easy, particularly in emotionally-charged situations. In addition, it is easy to make the mistake of assuming that we know what our children are thinking or feeling, based on our own thoughts and feelings. For example, when our child is crying, we may assume that the child is feeling alone, when in fact the child is confused and fearful. This may come about because we cried when we felt alone as children. Another problem is that sometimes parents are conditioned as children to feel ashamed or guilty when experiencing certain feelings - such as fear. This conditioning can block the parent from empathizing with the child when the child is experiencing a feeling that the parent has been taught is unacceptable. Becoming aware of our own conditioning and inhibitions is critical to being able to empathize with and accept our children's emotional life.

Being a self-aware parent requires us not only to practice an empathetic approach, but to identify with the feelings of our children as they experience them, not as we do. Empathizing with our misbehaving children challenges us as parents to behave with understanding and acceptance, even in the face of misbehavior and fear.

We will talk about the fourth essential parenting tool, Patience, next time.

Have a blessed day.

Understanding

Understanding means to have knowledge of, or to be sympathetic to. Understanding between children and parents is often elusive, particularly when one or the other is frequently distracted by the demands of a busy world. Parents, in particular, often neglect the effort necessary to understand what is going on with a child, especially when the child is misbehaving. This frequently occurs because the parent is not in touch with their own emotional responses when confronted with an uncooperative or disturbed child.

Within the context of the stress model, I believe that children act out - behave with anger - because they are stressed and fearful. Parents have been conditioned to accept anger on the surface and often respond with anger of their own, or by becoming emotionally distant in return. However, if the parent is self-aware and can recognize that the anger expressed by the child is truly misdirected fear, the parent can set aside their own fear and choose to respond in a loving and understanding manner. The child, in turn, will experience a lessing of fear and stress, and the interaction between the two will calm, opening the way for further understanding. This is an example of the Family-Centered Regulatory Parenting model in action - the interactive regulation of stress and fear, leading to acceptance, love and understanding.

Tomorrow, I will talk about the importance of empathy in the parent-child relationship.

Have a blessed day.

Acceptance

To accept someone means to provide for them a sense that they belong - to a group, a society, a church, or a family. Acceptance is not dependent upon situations, or achievement, or even appropriate behavior. Acceptance distinguishes between behavior and the person, and in the case where the behavior is inappropriate, the accepting parent communicates to the child: "I love you. I will always love you. You may have chosen behavior that is not OK, but you are always OK with me. Together, we will find the answer to whatever is wrong with your life. Together, we will move forward in our relationship, no matter what."

Acceptance is sometimes compared with "unconditional regard." Unconditional regard was thought by psychotherapist Carl Rogers to be the necessary underpinning for all healthy child-parent relationships. Children who are provided the bedrock of positive, unconditional regard grow up with a sense that they are valuable, worthwhile and essentially healthy human beings. Children who are not provided with parental acceptance, will grow up insecure and may battle with profound self-doubt. In search of the acceptance they did not find as children, they may invest their self-worth in work, in relationships, or in substance abuse, seeking there the completions that must, ultimately, come from within.

Acceptance is the unspoken agreement between parent and child that the love between them is unshakeable, and that they are welcome and valued, now and forever.

The next component to discuss will be understanding.

Have a blessed day.

Five Essential Tools for Parenting

Hello...It's going to be a great day! Have you said that yet today? Thanks to my mother, I try to say it every morning right along with giving many thanks just for being able to wake up!

Parenting is much like gardening. Parents must prepare the soil, plant the seeds of a peaceful home, and lovingly care for and cultivate their children. There are 5 components of the parent-child relationship that are absolutely necessary to raising healthy children. These components only work in the context of a self-aware parenting process, where-in the parent understands the relationship between the feelings and behavior of their child, and their own feelings and behavior. This interactive system can lead to a relationship ruled by stress and fear - or, in the case of the thoughtful and loving parent who carefully assures the presence of the essential tools of parenting, a relationship that is peaceful and loving. The 5 Components are Acceptance, Understanding, Empathy, Patience, and Love. More to come on each component.

Have a blessed day.